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Bulwer-Lytton winners

Posted by Richard on July 9, 2010

The 2010 winners of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest have been announced, and it's a fine crop of crap. If you're not familiar with the Bulwer-Lytton contest, it's named after the 19th-century English novelist who penned the (in)famous opening sentence that began, "It was a dark and stormy night…" Contest entries must consist of a single sentence that's intended to be the opening sentence of the worst possible novel.

There are a number of categories, each with a winner, runners-up, and in some cases "Dishonorable Mentions." Apparently, there's no shortage of people who can write badly on purpose. (Come to think of it, there's no shortage of people who can write badly, period.)

This year's overall winner was Molly Ringle of Seattle for this gem: 

For the first month of Ricardo and Felicity's affair, they greeted one another at every stolen rendezvous with a kiss–a lengthy, ravenous kiss, Ricardo lapping and sucking at Felicity's mouth as if she were a giant cage-mounted water bottle and he were the world's thirstiest gerbil.

Here's a snappy little Dishonorable Mention that I really liked: 

The Zinfandel poured pinkly from the bottle, like a stream of urine seven hours after eating a bowl of borscht.

Alf Seegert
Salt Lake City, UT

I'll spare you involuntary exposure to any of the Vile Puns category winners. Venture into that section only if you have the stomach for it.

(HT: Writer's Blog)

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