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How to become a pariah in the GOP

Posted by Richard on August 21, 2012

If you’re a Republican Congressman from Missouri named Todd Akin and you always wanted to become a pariah in your own party, here’s a good way to do it.

First, you decide to parley five relatively undistinguished terms in the House of Representatives (the highlights of which were your crusades against internet gambling) into a race for the Senate seat held by unpopular Democrat Claire McCaskill (who trailed the generic Republican candidate by 20 points).

Second, in a three-way race for the Republican nomination you eke out a bare plurality (34%-30%-30%) against two much better candidates, one of whom (State Treasurer Sarah Steelman) was endorsed by Sarah Palin. You win the nomination solely because it’s an open primary and Sen. McCaskill ran a bunch of ads urging her Democratic supporters to vote for you — whom she correctly perceived as the weakest candidate and the only one she stood any chance of beating.

As soon as you’ve secured the nomination, give an interview to a local TV station in which, incredibly, you argue that a woman’s body can tell the  difference between sperm from a “legitimate rape” and sperm from some other act, and will somehow stop the former from making her pregnant. To make this absurdity even more bizarre, claim that you learned it from doctors.

After every Republican leader from Mitt Romney to your colleagues in the House and Senate has denounced your remarks and demanded that you step down as the nominee, issue an apology for having “misspoken,” but insist that you’re going to remain in the race.

After every sentient Republican in the nation (and some not-so-sentient ones) has called on you to step down, argue that it was just a minor slip of the tongue: instead of “legitimate rape” you meant to say “forcible rape.” Don’t bother to address the more salient question of how you could possibly believe that a woman’s body can distinguish rape sperm from non-rape sperm. Or which doctors (if any) told you something so insane. Don’t bother to explain what the difference is between “forcible rape” and “non-forcible rape.” (Is the latter, in your mind, perhaps statutory rape? Maybe you think that the young adolescent female’s body is not yet capable of distinguishing and stopping the rape sperm?)

Notice that Public Policy Polling still shows you with a 1% lead over McCaskill (although the liberal polling organization managed that result only by polling 9% more Republicans than Democrats, apparently in an effort to persuade you to stay in the race). Let the deadline for stepping aside gracefully pass. Insist that you’re in the race to the end.

Come November, lose the election to McCaskill, who before you came along trailed by 20% and was almost certainly doomed to defeat. In the process, cost the GOP control of the Senate.

Congratulations, you incredibly ignorant and arrogant SOB. You’re now a pariah. The Samuel Mudd of the 21st century. Your kids may even change their last names.

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3 Responses to “How to become a pariah in the GOP”

  1. Jan said

    You sum it up well. I worry it will cost us the presidential race. His remarks fuel the sterotype of the rabid pro-lifer. Media and Obama will use it against Romney.

  2. Olivia said

    Debbie Wasserman Schultz is already doing that. For once, I’m sorry George Galloway, who defended Julian Assange’s rape without any consequences from his own party, doesn’t live in this country. (The itch for the perfect talking point can do horrible things.)

  3. David Aitken said

    He seems to be down to 38 percent. A sure loser.

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