Gee, I wish someone had a site that provided streaming videos plus transcripts of the monologues from The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson.
Wait a minute… OK, maybe CBS has videos. It’s not clear what they’re offering, it’s just labeled "Comedy." It may have the monologues, but they’re on a two-day delay, and it requires you to install Real Player. Yuck. I haven’t tolerated any Real software on my computer in 5 or 6 years — they’re authoritarian, spyware-installing, arrogant, fascist scum. So screw that.
Anyway, if you can figure out a way to watch Craig Ferguson’s monologues regularly, I strongly recommend them. I just see them occasionally in real time, and they’re always terrific — by far the best comedy of any of the late night TV hosts. Here’s a brief snippet (from memory) of tonight’s monologue:
I was a vegetarian once. Well, not really a vegetarian. I was veggie-curious. … One day, I was in the Glasgow airport, and I smelled a bacon sandwich. …"
Even the most die-hard vegetarians admit that bacon is dangerous. … Bacon is, like, a gateway meat.
I swear to you, this is the funniest, most entertaining and genuine person on TV today. You want more evidence? OK, I’ve been saving some. Here’s Craig Ferguson with the best brief characterization of NASCAR ever:
You know what’s amazing? It’s NASCAR. Anybody who criticizes NASCAR has never been there. Forget watching it on TV, it’s not the same. You have to be there. If you have even the tiniest amount of testosterone in you — the tiniest amount — and you hear one of those engines — BRRRRRWRRRRR! — all of a sudden, you’ve got a mullet.
Craig Ferguson on dental care:
The dental hygienist — I just lie to her. "Have you been flossing?" I just lie. It’s the only two times I lie — to the dental hygienist and when I’m in a relationship. That’s why I can’t date a lady dentist. The lies would mash together — and the truth could come out.
Ferguson on the Welsh:
I’ve gotten drunk with every ethnic group on earth. You can’t outdrink a Welshman. The Welsh make Australians look like Mormons.
The quotes are great, but you don’t realize what you’re missing — delivery, timing, subtle touches and related comments I’ve forgotten or omitted. Maybe it’s worth installing Real Player — that’s up to you. Or, if you’re a night owl, you could just watch it when it’s broadcast (after Letterman, who increasingly sucks). Believe me, it’s great stuff. Craig Ferguson is a national treasure, and I’m very glad this Scotsman got a "grrrreen carrrrd."
