Posted by Richard on November 18, 2007
Don't put up with that teeny little logo the commercial artist created for your business. Get a great, big, impressive logo in no time with the amazing new Make My Logo Bigger Cream! It's clinically proven logo enhancing formula can make your logo up to 1000% bigger.
But wait! There's more! For your weekend amusement, be sure to watch the video (warning: like the commercials it's parodying, the audio is loud). I especially liked the White Space Eliminator and the Emotionator.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: business, humor | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on November 6, 2007
A friend who is decidedly not a jingoistic America-firster, but has a good sense of humor, sent me the following. They're certainly not new — the first one, according to Snopes , dates from 2003 (but it's basically true, although the location and the former Archbishop's question have been altered, and Powell's response shortened). But if you haven't seen them, you might get a chuckle or three out of them:
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by
the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example
of 'empire building' by George Bush. He answered by saying, "Over the
years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women
into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only
amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those
that did not return." It became very quiet in the room.************************************************************
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international
engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a
break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have
you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to
do, bomb them?"A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three
hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are
nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000
people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of
fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen
helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from
their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France
have?" Once again, dead silence.*************************************************************
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included
Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies.
At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone
was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French
admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many
languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, "Why is it that
we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than
speaking French?" Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied
"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged
it so you wouldn't have to speak German?" You could have heard a pin drop!
As I said, the first one is genuine, but I can't vouch for the second and third — no luck at Snopes, although there are plenty of pages with those quotes. But I really like the one about why the French don't have to speak German, and I hope it's true.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: humor | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on November 2, 2007
The other day, I was looking through the online symbol library provided by the German technical documentation firm CPTec. In the warning symbols section, I happened across this amusing posting, a "watch for biting trout" sign:
Creator Günter Ratz entitled it "Warnung vor Hommingberger Gepardenforelle" ("Warning: Hommingberg Cheetah Trout"). A high-quality EPS version is available at the link above.
The cheetah trout is an imaginary species (and Hommingberg is an imaginary place) that figured in a German SEO (search engine optimization) competition a couple of years ago. Go here for details (in German) and a lovely picture of the fish.
Those wacky Germans. 😉
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: germany, humor | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on September 19, 2007
Today, September 19, is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. So, say "shiver me timbers" to somebody. Or quaff some grog. Or maybe take The Official Talk Like a Pirate Personality Inventory (TOTLAPPI). In other words, have fun in a whimsical way today, because that's what talking like a pirate is all about.
Q: What sci-fi TV series do pirates like best?
A: Faarrrr-scape.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: culture, drinking, humor, talk like a pirate | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on August 24, 2007
The Dissident Frogman was amused by the remarkable ignorance of firearms recently exhibited by the editors and war correspondents of Agence France Presse. As a public service, he created a short educational video that explains the basics of bullets, cartridges, and "boomsticks" in simple terms that even journalists can understand. "Since you will fake the news from Iraq anyway," he tells AFP, it won't kill you to make the hoax a bit more credible."
Priceless. You've got to watch this video. Just make sure you're not drinking anything you don't want all over your monitor and keyboard. And be sure to stick around through the credits — there are bloopers/out-takes at the end.
Check out the comments, too. The exchange between lefty and the frogman is too good to miss.
(HT: Rottweiler)
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: comedy, education, firearms, humor, journalism, media bias, shooting, stupidity | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on August 7, 2007
If you're a dog lover with a sense of humor, you may want to check out the Vick dog chew toy. For just $10.99 (plus $2 shipping and handling), you can give your dog hours of chewing satisfaction that also provide a way to "get even" with the Falcons' alleged animal abuser quarterback. Place your order now before the NFL or somebody shuts these guys down.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: dogs, football, humor | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on June 16, 2007
The other day, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi declared the Iraq "surge" a failure even before the troop buildup was complete. Harvey at IMAO came up with the perfect response — a classic IMAO parody entitled "America's Corn Crop a 'Failure', Top Democrats Tell Bush":
WASHINGTON (AP) – Top US congressional Democrats bluntly told President George W. Bush Wednesday that American farmers' spring planting "surge" policy was a failure.
Senate Majority leader Harry Reid and House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi challenged the president over this year's corn crop by sending him a letter, ahead of a White House meeting later on Wednesday.
"As many had forseen [sic], the springtime planting of seed corn has failed to produce the intended results," the two leaders wrote.
"The increase in seeds in the ground has yet to produce a single edible ear of corn so far this year.
"Far from fulfilling its promise of putting steaming, buttery ears on every table, this crazy planting scheme has done nothing so far but cost this country's farmers most of last year's profits, as well as causing them to spend all their time coddling these high-maintenance vegetables.
"Clearing the land, plowing, weeding, fertilizing, irrigating, spreading pesticides and herbicides – not to mention the over 1000 farmers that have lost their lives in unnecessary tractor deaths so far this year – when will the madness end?
"And what do we have to show for it? It's already mid-June and not a single plant has borne fruit. In fact, if these trends continue, it's safe to predict a nation-wide corn famine that will bring this country to its knees."
Read the whole thing, including comments. I especially liked "The field was happier before it was plowed!"
On a more serious note: Reid and Pelosi aren't the only Democrats who have something to say about the situation in Iraq. Sen. Joe Lieberman actually went to Iraq to assess the situation in Iraq, and I strongly encourage you to read his analysis.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: democrats, harry reid, humor, iraq, pelosi, war | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on May 22, 2007
Glenn Reynolds, with an assist from a reader, came up with the best damn Iraq post I've seen in quite a while. Like much good humor, it's based on truth — in this case, a bitter truth. Because my legions of fans may not all have seen the post at Glenn's little blog, here it is:
THE MAIN FRONT IN THE WAR IS CONGRESS:
Iran is secretly forging ties with al-Qaida elements and Sunni Arab militias in Iraq in preparation for a summer showdown with coalition forces intended to tip a wavering US Congress into voting for full military withdrawal, US officials say.
Well, if they're targeting Congress they're certainly targeting our weak spot.
UPDATE: Reader Drew Kelley emails: "Wouldn't we be better off if we gave them Congress?"
As I've said before, I oppose torture.
<RIMSHOT />
Oh, and to further fill your needs for humor and a way to vent, don't miss Glenn's multipart Jimmy Carter poll.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: al qaeda, congress, humor, iran, iraq, war | 1 Comment »
Posted by Richard on May 15, 2007
According to Craig Ferguson, the networks are showing their new fall TV shows to advertisers this week. I'm pretty sure Ferguson is the only talk show host who can pull off an extended riff on the new series, Law and Order: Restless Leg Syndrome. Or another proposal for a TV series, Ghost Chimp, M.D.
One of my favorite recent Ferguson quotes illustrates both his self-deprecating humor and a keen sense of how enamored we are of technology: "I have no idea what a megapixel is, but I'll pay three hundred bucks for an extra one."
On a much more serious note, Ferguson's extemporaneous February monologue about Britney Spears has been nominated for an Emmy, and deservedly so. CBS posted it on their site, where you can watch it with Real Player (which is not as obnoxious as it used to be), but they've also put it on YouTube, so here it is. I highly recommend it. This may be the most compelling, powerful, moving, and genuine twelve minutes of television you'll ever see. And did I mention that it was entirely unscripted and extemporaneous? Truly awesome.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: comedy, craig ferguson, humor, television | 2 Comments »
Posted by Richard on May 2, 2007
I've been thinking about the fiery crash on I-80/I-880 Sunday near Oakland, California. According to news reports, a tanker truck carrying thousands of gallons of gasoline overturned and burst into flames, causing two sections of freeway overpass to collapse within minutes:
Two connector ramps of the Bay Bridge MacArthur Maze (map), located near Emeryville, collapsed Sunday morning after an explosion and fire.
Heat from the fire, which reached temperatures estimated at up to 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit, caused the metal bolts and girders on the highway connector ramp above to melt. The overpass then gave way and collapsed.
…
NBC 7/39's sister station in San Jose talked to a witness of the fire. Paul Kochli said he was driving from San Francisco to Napa at around 4 a.m. when he noticed a huge plume of smoke and a mushroom cloud. Kochli said he recorded 59 seconds of the fire. He said the overpass had already collapsed by 4:05 a.m.
Other witnesses reported flames from the blaze reached up to 200 feet high.
…
Aerial views showed at least two sections of the maze totaling about 250 yards in length had collapsed.
(Note: The video below isn't the Kochli video mentioned in the story. This one's from a fellow called baconmonkey, and it's shot on a Canon high-definition camcorder — not that YouTube even vaguely approximates high-def, but it's well worth watching.)
Well, the official story says heat from the fire collapsed the overpasses. But of course, we know from concerned scientists and engineers who studied the World Trade Center collapses that fires can't melt steel — that a chemical explosion is required. Ask Rosie! Or check out the experiment by a member of the reality-based community that I wrote about last summer:
I think that the freeway overpass was just as likely to have been brought down by controlled demolition as the World Trade Center buildings. The Governor of California, the President of the United States, and Karl Rove are all Republicans — coincidence? Do we know what ties exist between Dick Cheney, Halliburton, and the California highway construction industry? Why did Caltrans rush its "demolition contractor" onto the site within hours to remove the evidence? Doesn't it strain credulity to believe that the driver walked away from the inferno and caught a cab to the hospital?
These and other questions demand answers! We need a Freeway Truth Movement, with Californians for Freeway Truth, Scholars for Freeway Truth, Press for Freeway Truth, Truck Drivers for Freeway Truth, Freeway Truth Radio, and a whole host of other like-minded organizations committed to uncovering the real truth behind the so-called tanker truck accident.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: california, conspiracy theories, fire, highways, humor, moonbats, transportation | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on April 2, 2007
Does anybody do this sort of thing better than Scrappleface? I don't think so:
(2007-04-01) — In a fresh, un-coerced video communiqué released today by the Iranian government, 15 British sailors and marines held captive for eight days, said they would seek asylum in Iran, “the only country that really seems to want us.”
The hostages said they have already begun the paperwork to become Iranian citizens, and have started classes to prepare them for conversion to Islam.
“Whatever else you might think about President Ahmadinejad,” said one British sailor under no duress, “at least he took risks to get us, and genuinely desires to keep us in his country; which is more than we can say for Prime Minister [Tony] Blair."
On a more serious note, here's Newt Gingrich's brilliantly simple suggestion for an effective response to the hostage-taking:
Mark Steyn heaped appropriate scorn on the British (and European, and American) alternative plan:
The British ambassador to the U.N. had wanted the Security Council to pass a resolution "deploring" Iran's conduct. But the Russians objected to all this hotheaded inflammatory lingo about "deploring," and so the Security Council instead expressed its "grave concern" about the situation. That and $4.95 will get you a decaf latte. Ask the folks in Darfur what they've got to show for years of the U.N.'s "grave concerns" — heavy on the graves, less so on the concern.
…The U.N. will do nothing for men seized on a U.N.-sanctioned mission. The European Union will do nothing for its "European citizens." But if liberal transnationalism is a post-modern joke, it's not the only school of transnationalism out there. Iran's Islamic Revolution has been explicitly extraterritorial since the beginning: It has created and funded murderous proxies in Hezbollah, Hamas and both Shia and Sunni factions of the Iraq "insurgency." It has spent a fortune in the stans of Central Asia radicalizing previously somnolent Muslim populations. When Ayatollah Khomeini announced the fatwa against Salman Rushdie, it was not Iranians but British, Indian, Turkish, European, Asian and American Muslims who called for his death, firebombed bookstores, shot his publisher, fatally stabbed his translator and murdered anybody who got in their way.
So we live today in a world of one-way sovereignty: American, British and Iraqi forces in Iraq respect the Syrian and Iranian borders; the Syrians and Iranians do not respect the Iraqi border. Patrolling the Shatt al-Arab at a time of war, the Royal Navy operates under rules of engagement designed by distant fainthearts with an eye to the polite fictions of "international law": If you're in a "warship," you can't wage war. If you're in a "destroyer," don't destroy anything. If you're in a "frigate," you're frigging done for.
Needless to say, it's Mark Steyn, so you should read the whole thing.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: britain, foreign policy, humor, iran, islamofascism, kidnapping, war | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on March 30, 2007
Oh boy, oh boy, this means trouble:
The Easter season unveiling of an anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ, dubbed "My Sweet Lord" by its creator, has infuriated Catholics preparing to observe some of their holiest days of the year.
The 6-foot sculpture by Cosimo Cavallaro was to debut Monday evening, four days before Christians mark the crucifixion of Jesus Christ on Good Friday. The final day of the exhibit at the Lab Gallery inside Manhattan's Roger Smith Hotel was planned for Easter Sunday.
The naked Jesus is supposed to be displayed in a street-level window.
I expect that mobs of young Catholics in New York and elsewhere around the country will burn down the Roger Smith Hotel, along with some randomly selected secular institutions and synagogues, mosques, and ashrams. And evangelical Christians all over the world will riot, carrying signs with slogans like "Crucify those who insult Jesus!" and beating up secular humanists.
Do you think the Pope will call on the United Nations Security Council to convene and condemn this display?
Actually, Cosimo Cavallaro's sculpture may be the biggest chocolate Jesus, and it's almost certainly the only one that's naked and anatomically correct, but it's nowhere near the first. Here, let Tom Waits tell you about it:
The lyrics are here .
UPDATE: Well, that didn't take long. The hotel has canceled the display. I think all the looting, overturned cars, and burned-out buses frightened them.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: chocolate, humor, moral equivalence, religion, riots | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on March 21, 2007
"The position of cats is highest when civilization is at its peak. The uses of the cow, the horse and the dog are obvious even to the illiterate, but one must be educated in the uses of a cat."
— Olivia Manning
One of the uses of a cat that I've certainly appreciated is kneading. The late Grizzly used to knead on me with a wonderful dedication, seriousness of purpose, and continuous big purr. God, how I miss him.
It never occurred to me that a dog might appreciate a cat's talent for kneading until Craig Ferguson played this video clip on tonight's Late Late Show. Note: Before the video begins playing, mute or turn down your speakers. The video seems to have been recorded while a shop vac or small jet engine was running nearby.
Hmm, I wonder if the PETA animal-rights types object to a cat being exploited by a dog, or if they only object to both being kept by humans.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: cats, craig ferguson, humor, television, video | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Richard on March 7, 2007
OK, if you're a Pat Buchanan or Lou Dobbs fan, you'd best just move along — this will only make you (even more) angry. As for everyone else, I bet you get a kick out of Scott Blaszak's little three-minute video about how dangerous all those Chinese people are: "Do You Realize?"
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: china, demographics, humor | 1 Comment »
Posted by Richard on February 27, 2007
I’ve expressed my admiration for Craig Ferguson before. I’m pleased to discover that the legendary Carson sidekick, Ed McMahon, shares my opinion:
Johnny Carson‘s former sidekick, Ed McMahon, says he still watches some of today’s late-night talk show hosts, but only one guy comes close to being as good as the late Carson.
"Johnny certainly set the standard and raised the bar very high for anybody else to follow," notes McMahon, who many remember for his catch-phrase "Heeere’s Johnny!"
"I don’t think there’s anyone who even approaches Johnny. The closest thing I think is Craig Ferguson," he states. "He’s got that self-deprecating humor that Johnny had. He really does a very lively monologue, which he seems to make up as he goes along. He gets one subject matter and then goes with that. I really like his show, and I like him."
I couldn’t agree more. Ferguson is down-to-earth, genuine, and funny. For example, here’s Craig Ferguson talking about cars:
You know what’s amazing? It’s NASCAR. Anybody who criticizes NASCAR has never been there. Forget watching it on TV, it’s not the same. You have to be there. If you have even the tiniest amount of testosterone in you — the tiniest amount — and you hear one of those engines — BRRRRRWRRRRR! — all of a sudden, you’ve got a mullet.
Craig Ferguson on dental care:
The dental hygienist — I just lie to her. "Have you been flossing?" I just lie. It’s the only two times I lie — to the dental hygienist and when I’m in a relationship. That’s why I can’t date a lady dentist. The lies would mash together — and the truth could come out.
On the Welsh:
I’ve gotten drunk with every ethnic group on earth. You can’t outdrink a Welshman. The Welsh make Australians look like Mormons.
On MTV’s 25th:
I"m so old, I remember when MTV showed music videos.
MTV gave us Real World… Hats off to them. They figured out how to make reality TV more boring than reality.
McMahon is right — Ferguson is by far the best. As McMahon noted (along with Walter in Denver, commenting here), Ferguson’s monologues are remarkably spontaneous and inventive. I wish to hell that the increasingly tiresome Letterman would retire and let Ferguson take his slot.
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged: culture, humor, television | Leave a Comment »
